Fruit Anyone?

It's the stress. I know it is. I've been at this anxiety recovery thing long enough to recognize my triggers and this time, and many other times, it's definitely the stress.

Just pick one. Stress about my first road trip to TN with my kiddos. Stress about how I'm going to keep them busy while we're there. Stress about beginning our homeschool journey right after we get back. Stress about looking good enough to fit in with my group of gorgeous besties for a friends wedding. Stress about not being able to find time to go for a regular run. Stress about the weeds that have taken over my front landscaping. Stress about the random recycle box items all over our backyard from the last few "Mom, I have a great idea" episodes. Stress about the groceries that have been sitting on the counter since yesterday. Stress about the damn fruit flies in the kitchen that I can't get rid of. Stress about all the fodder that accumulates on the buffet in my dining room. Stress about the growing stack of receipts that's increasing on my desk. Stress about building the cupcake business. Stress about not building the cupcake business. Stress about fostering healthy independence in my kids. Stress about neglecting them. Stress about my stretchmarks. Stress about the spots on my skin that refuse to tan like the rest. Stress about my bikini line. Stress about my bust line. Stress about having so much stress. Have you ever had anxiety about having anxiety? 

Definitely not happy fun time.

 I wish I had it all. I do. And the problem is that I can't. Unfortunately, that little word doesn't prevent me from feverishly trying to eradicate the pesky letter t that continually results in my taking on feelings of "defeat." I'm a very driven person and usually that's quite a good thing...until it isn't, until your drive get's stuck in O and threatens to plummet you over the edge of an emotional precipice. I've had my toes shoved up to the ledge of that ride once before and it was not something I ever want to experience again.

As I crawled into bed the other night to read I opened a new book I had downloaded for free onto my Kindle titled "Confessions of a Raging Perfectionist: Learning to Be Free" and as I began reading I experienced one of those "breath from heaven" moments, where God reaches down with exactly what my blistered soul needs and whispers "I love you." The author spoke of her drive for perfection in all areas of her life as an addiction, an idol even, as powerful and destructive as cocaine or alcohol, and it felt like my life was being played back to me in an unfamiliar voice. One thing that has particularly stood out to me thus far was a bible verse that I'm not unfamiliar with, but have never viewed in this context before.

How beautiful on the mountains

are the feet of those who bring good news,

who proclaim peace,

who bring good tidings,

who proclaim salvation,

who say to Zion,

"Your God reigns!"

Isiah 52:7

The author follows this verse with the question "I wonder how different my life would be if the beauty of my feet were the priority of my life?"

What would happen to all my current stress points if I focused instead on the really important things, the things that actually matter, like the fruits of the spirit; 

love, joy, peace, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control 

Galatians 5:22-23

I find it interesting when I read this account of better things to aim for because a few verses earlier it lays out several opposing responses to poorly directed focus, many of which have been major stumbling blocks for me the past few days.

¹⁶ But I say, live by the Spirit and you will not carry out the desires of the flesh. ¹⁷ For the flesh has desires that are opposed to the Spirit, and the Spirit has desires that are opposed to the flesh, for these are in opposition to each other, so that you cannot do what you want. ¹⁸ But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law. ¹⁹ Now the works of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity, depravity, ²⁰ idolatry, sorcery, hostilities, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish rivalries, dissensions, factions, ²¹ envying, murder, drunkenness, carousing, and similar things.

Just this afternoon I needed to apologize to and ask forgiveness from my children for screaming at them, not even just raising my voice, but all out screaming at top volume (outburst of anger) about something fairly innocuous, and certainly non life threatening, because my emotions were stretched single ply thin over a totally unrelated selfish rivalry that had caused dissension, strife, jealousy and envy over a personal idol all of which had taken place within the confines of my right and left hemispheres.

Side note; 

Guys, please don't expect us to explain how to understand us because most of the time even we don't. It's sometimes very much like being locked in a freaky fun house where the evil reflection in the room of mirrors has the key to your deliverance trapped just behind the prism's surface beyond your reach.

I wonder what would happen, if love replaced travel worries, if joy replaced fashion woes, if peace replaced lawn inconveniences, if kindness replaced kitchen problems, if goodness replaced paperwork annoyance, if faithfulness replaced cupcake concerns, if gentleness replaced parenting distress, if self control replaced body image misgivings? I imagine at the very least I would be much more pleasant company to keep between my own 2 ears, which would increase the mutually pleasing interactions for everyone else I come into contact with on any given day. That sounds like an exponentially improved reality over the one I'm currently treading water in. So, to aid in my focal shift, here's my mission statement in the current tense;

I focus on what matters in the long run. 
I am truly present in my life. 
I have purpose not just direction.
I show kindness and love to myself inside and out.
I leave the people around me better than I found them.

The Dreaded Curriculum Question

"So, what are you using for curriculum?"

You hear that? It's the sound of 6 inch nails being mercilessly scraped down the length of a 40 ft, 1000 year old chalk board.
(Don't ask me why the chalkboard is 1000 years old. My imagination wanted it to be so and who am I to stand in the way of an ancient fictitious writing surface and it's elemental desires?)

 I know people mean well, I do, but I just can't stand that question right now. It makes me feel somehow challenged and undercut, like if I don't answer appropriately then I'm obviously not sufficiently equipped to teach my children. I'm not sure if there IS an appropriate way to satiate one's curiosity concerning this subject without arousing my defensive instincts. ... Nope can't think of any, but if something comes to me in my sleep I'll probably roll over intending to jot it in my bedside journal and then forget about it as I unsuccessfully muster the will to open my eyes, turn on the light, lift the pen, find a blank page, move the pen in synch with my sleep addled thoughts, and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
I wouldn't hold your breath for a speedy resolution on this one.

I have yet to figure out an answer to this curriculum inquiry that doesn't result in either blank stares of incomprehension from it's orator or lengthy opinions that I distinctly remember not asking for. Perhaps when I have a few years of homeschooling under my belt I won't be wound so tight about defending our decisions, but for now it is my reality, and the only thing I'm really interested in asking for is understanding.

 I've spent many many hours studying and praying about and talking through (Matt's such a trooper) the different curriculum and teaching styles, and I find it very challenging to explain in a short concise manner how I arrived at our current course of scholastic trajectory. So please excuse me if I appear to be dodging this particular question in polite conversation circles...because I am. It's easier that way, and right now anything that can be done easier will be done as such.

The best I can do for you, my blogging friends and family, is tell you that we are not using a specific curriculum, but are employing an eclectic mix of web and humor based math, classic literature based English and writing using comprehension and copywork tools, kitchen cabinet based science, the arts learned from various and sundry sources, and "let them be kids" Phy Ed. We plan on doing the basics every day; math, reading and writing, and once per week we'll do art, bible, music and science. I intend on keeping things as low key as possible because we want to continue fostering a love of learning and not a dread of useless and uninteresting information for testing purposes. Right now we're only planning on "doing schoolwork" 4 days a week, Monday - Thursday, year round, and I'm hoping to keep it at a maximum of 3 hours per day, very Charlotte Mason-esque, and yes I'm confident that this will be enough time for them to learn what they need to know for this year because so much more is understood and retained with one on one instruction vs a full classroom dynamic.

 If you know me much AT ALL it should really come as no surprise that I have,
a. decided to homeschool my children and
b. chosen to follow a more eclectic curriculum path.
Is anyone really all that surprised? I mean really? A crowd follower is one title that I don't believe I've ever been labeled with. Ever.

English is one thing that I am actually really really excited about because the kids will be working their way through the Robinson Curriculum reading list . After supper tonight I sat down with Bre's first book (after google came up with a big ol' goose egg on the topic) and began working on comprehension questions and copywork selections. Here's what it'll look like; she'll read 1 chapter per day and then demonstrate her grasp of the material by answering a few questions about the content. Then she'll practice writing, spelling and grammar by copying in her best work the selection of a couple pertinent sentences from the days story. The book she'll be starting out with is The Tale of Jolly Robin (it's FREE on Kindle), and I can't wait for her to read it! It's such a charming, delightful and well written story, and I know she'll really enjoy it. In this post I'm sharing the first 5 chapters of questions and copy work I did for this book in case anyone else is looking for something like this to go along with the Robinson Curriculum like I was. It's kind of a Robinson/Charlotte Mason curriculum mash up, and I hope to post more as I work my way through this entire book and the others to come, so stay tuned!

The Countdown

Today's post is brought to you today by the number 26 and the letters O.M.G.

 

There's only 26 more days till our "official" first day of homeschooling, and I gotta tell ya, reality, excitement, and a touch of panic now and again, is beginning to set in. I find it most helpful to the state of my mental health when I remind myself that I've been "teaching" my kiddos since the moment they exited my body; eating, sleeping, socializing, playing, talking, walking, feeding, pottying, dressing, cleaning, pet care, biking, manners, etc, and that this homeschool thing....is really no different. I know what Bre needs to learn for 2nd grade and we're just going to work our way down the list. I know what Wes needs to learn for P-K and we're just going to work our way down the list. If it's something I don't know how to do (Stephanie Neher, you are the next contestant on "Are you smarter than a 2nd grader?") I'll either figure it out, good ol' google and pintrest haven't failed me yet, or I'll find someone who does know and go from there. Easy peasy lemon squeezey, right?

It's a slap bracelet turned spectacles!

As I was contemplating what our typical school day schedule will look like, I decide to ask B how she might prefer to do it. I want her to feel like she's participating in her education and not just someone that school is being "done to". I asked if she would like to do our schoolwork in the morning after breakfast and then have free time after lunch OR have free time in the morning and do our schoolwork after lunch? She thoughtfully chose option B, and knowing what a magnanimously awful morning person I am, I'm quite ok with her choice. So, we're gonna give that a shot and see what happens. I figure, hey if it doesn't work we can always change it cause we're in charge of how this thing runs.

"There are zero elephants in my cereal bowl."

Our first Life of Fred math book arrived in the mail today and I was so excited to check it out that I read through half of it while I ate my lunch. It's really cute and had me giggling many times. I think Bre's really going to like it. Wes won't be ready for the math portion for another 2 years or so, but I think I'll have B read the story portion out loud to him because I know he'll enjoy them. Plus, it'll give her more reading practice. 2 birds, 1 stone, feathers everywhere baby!

"1 sock off and 1 sock on, diddle diddle dumpling my son John"

 

We also started our "first day of school" paper chain countdown this afternoon. It has become our preferred method of time keeping cause the kids can visually see the time passing as the chain gets shorter and shorter. I suppose we could x the days off on a calendar page as well, but it's just not nearly as much fun as wielding scissors and a stapler. Bre cut out the appropriate number of strips we needed. Then I had her write numbers on each strip starting at 27 and counting backwards so we could tell at a glance how many days are left without the need to count the remaining chains each and every time someone forgets, which is usually multiple. I threaded them together and Wes was the handsomest little stapler operator that you've ever clapped eyes on. Our paper creation is currently draped over the ceiling fan above our dining room table and after supper each night the kiddos will take turns cutting off a link and I'll keep a paper bag handy in case I need to put my head between my knees and breathe.