I Am Not Alone

"But for me it is good to be near God; I have made the Lord my refuge, 

that I may tell of all Your works."

Psalm 73:28

God's timing can sometimes feel frustrating in our limited view of the big picture when He's not moving as quickly as we would like him to. Other times He whispers in our hearts with the gentlest of voices just what we need to hear in the stillness. And then there are other times He rushes in with a great and powerful swell of love and comfort in the midst of a terrible storm that's threatening to overtake us.

After sharing An Extravert With Depression I sat down to have lunch and found myself in the throws of a full blow panic attack; racing heart, flushed face, dizzy head, labored breathing, tingling hands, nauseous stomach, flashing lights in my peripherals, cold skin, sweaty forehead. Even though I knew what was happening it never makes it any easier. It's a scary thing to bare your soul, the dark, secret places, to those around you. My emotions were raw from opening up my heart and sometimes when you clean a wound, it's really really painful. I texted my Mom and asked her to pray for me. I turned on my Praise & Worship Pandora station, pushed my plate of food away and laid my head on the table to ride out the storm. "I am safe. I am loved. I am safe. I am loved." And then He rushed in.

I Am Not Alone

When I walk through deep waters
I know that You will be with me
When I'm standing in the fire
I will not be overcome
Through the valley of the shadow
I will not fear

I am not alone
I am not alone
You will go before me
You will never leave me

In the midst of deep sorrow
I see Your light is breaking through
The dark of night will not overtake me
I am pressing into You
Lord, You fight my every battle
And I will not fear

I am not alone
I am not alone
You will go before me
You will never leave me

You amaze me
Redeem me
You call me as Your own

You're my strength
You're my defender
You're my refuge in the storm
Through these trials
You've always been faithful
You bring healing to my soul

 

I am not alone
I am not alone
You will go before me
You will never leave me

I had never heard the song before but it was like God himself was standing at my dining room table, wrapping His arms around me and singing words of life, healing and hope into the depths of my pain. I began sobbing without restraint and when my tears were spent I put the song on repeat and let it wash over me again and again and again.

I don't know why depression is part of my story, but for what it might be worth to someone else in the midst of the struggle I am choosing to "tell of all His works" along my journey.

We are safe. We are loved and we are not alone.

An Extravert With Depression

Depression sucks. Like, really REALLY sucks. I come by it honestly though I guess. It's one of my less charming attributes I inherited from my Dad. I'm sure if he could have picked and chosen what to pass along he would have skipped over that one. Genetics can suck sometimes too.

People are always shocked when they find out I battle depression. "I never would have guessed." they say. "You're always so happy and upbeat!" And I am. Usually. And not everyone that knows me knows this part of my story. I mean it's not exactly something that just comes up in everyday conversation. "Hi. I'm Stephanie. Nice to meet you. You have kids? Me too! I also suffer from chronic depression and had to go on an antidepressant so I wouldn't hurt myself or someone else." Yeah, that wouldn't be awkward AT. ALL.

But sometimes it comes up in relevant conversations and I will share some of my story. I have found that secrets hold me in fear and when I bring them into the light, fear looses it's grip on me and sometimes those around me too. Intimacy has been the word I've scribbled in the top right corner my prayer journal for 2016. At it's core, intimacy is about ME sharing myself with you (if I perceive you to be a trustworthy person). Intimacy = In To Me See. When I let you see into the heart of me, sometimes you recognize pieces of yourself and a connection is made that severs the cords of isolation and hopelessness.

97% of the time I am mentally stable, happy, satisfied with life and coping normally with the ups and downs of everyday living just fine. But that other 3% of the time is a whole different story. It hits me out of nowhere. No warning. No pattern. No stressful life event that I can point to as a trigger. I go from happy housewife one moment to hearing a voice in my head the next moment suggesting how I could go about hurting myself or my children. This voice comes on it's own accord, on it's own timetable and it is scary as hell when it happens. I DO NOT want to hurt myself or my children. Let me make that perfectly clear. I am NOT demon possessed. I am a Christian and I cannot be filled with both God and Satan at the same time. Light and dark cannot co-exist. We're not even going to go there, Ok? I have a chemical imbalance in my brain that causes this specific type of depression with these suggestive voices. I am not crazy and I am not alone in my struggle with this. Exercise, fresh air, clean eating, no sugar, no caffeine, prayer, singing worship songs, journaling and anything else I could think of were not enough to manage my condition. It's a sickness of my body just like diabetes or cancer and I needed help before something bad happened. I had to give myself permission to ask for help. I had to give myself permission to go on an antidepressant and it made such a world of difference when I finally did.

I still don't like being alone. The voice still isn't completely gone but it's less frequent and is usually more of a whisper of a whisper that's fairly easy to brush off. The voice comes when I'm alone. Like when I'm waking up, or going to sleep. Times when my mind is not busy with other things.

Because of this it's quite scary for me to be without my kids for the month of June while they're in TN with my family. It means quite a bit of alone time and I'm scared of being alone because I'm scared of the voice in my head. I was scared the voice would come back while they were gone. And you know what? It did come back. And I was alone. I was trying to go to sleep and it wasn't just a whisper this time. "The kids aren't here to find you. Matt's gone for the night. You could go in the bathtub and contain the mess." It's terrifying. Absolutely terrifying. I put my hands to my heart, took deep breaths and repeated over and over "I am safe in my own home. I am loved. I am safe in my own home. I am loved." until I somehow fell asleep.

Let me say it again. I. DO. NOT. WANT. TO. DIE. This is not something I desire in the slightest. I love my life. I love my husband. I love my kids. I love my friends. I love my church. I love my home. I love my pets. I love my job. Every time this happens I'm always very shaken up and emotional and drained for a few days after. It feels like being brutally assaulted in the most intimate way and I can't escape or keep it from happening again because it's coming from a short circuit in my own head. So I live with an acute, underlying fear of "the next time."

For a very long time I wouldn't tell anyone about the voice and what it said. I thought I was alone. I thought I was crazy. I thought people would think less of me. But I'm not staying trapped in fear and silence any longer. I share with my husband and take comfort and safety in his presence and in his arms. I have permission from my doctor to increase my dose of medication if I feel it necessary so I have done that as well. I felt it necessary to share my story today as an act of self care. Darkness can't stay where light is allowed to shine in. I hope that by allowing "Into Me You See" someone might find understanding and hope for either themselves or someone they know who is walking the same path.

I am safe. I am loved and I am not alone.

 

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11 New International Version (NIV)

13.1 Day 1

40 Weeks, 273 days to be exact!

That's how much time I have to train for my newest adventure.
On August 30th 2015 I will be doing my very first 1/2 marathon, 13.1 miles.

I'll be doing the Women Rock Minnesota 1/2 with at least one of my friends that ran the Hammer with me back in October. A 1/2 marathon has been on her before "a certain age' bucket list and she'll hit that number next year so it's kind of something we need to make happen in 2015.

I never think about how friggin' tall I am till I see pictures like this.

I found a 20 week, 1/2 marathon training program that I really liked and decided to take 1 week of training and stretch it out over 2 weeks. I know my body and do much better with a slow and steady pace. PLUS it'll allow for those inevitable days when things don't go according to schedule and I won't be stressing out over missing a day.

My week will begin on Sunday and look like this; Rest, Cross Train, Rest, Run, Rest, Cross Train, Run. Luckily, Zumba is cross training and already built into my week on Monday's and Fridays. I've been doing some beginning weight lifting after each Zumba class and plan on continuing with that. I'm also adding in a little yoga for runners, which has been awesome for my perpetually tight ham strings . Here's what my training day looked like today.

Pre-run yoga, run, weighted plank, post-run yoga

I have a treadmill we inherited from Blue Eye's folks so I don't have to go to the gym, or outside in the cold for running days. I'm not fast by any means, but I figure it's better than sitting on the couch. 5 mph is the pace I'm reaching to maintain by race day. I like to catch up on the latest episode of Scorpion or watch a movie from the library while I run. It's extra nice when Matt is home because we can visit while I run and he does his gaming from his computer. When he's not home the kids get some t.v. time while I run. Here's what my set up looks like.

Yep, those are t.v. trays AND my hammer right underneath my growing collection of race bling.

I'm really not THAT into running, unless I'm watching something interesting or running with friends. BUT I do like a good challenge and I guess if I'm going to do it, doing it with my gal pals to check of an item on a bucket list is certainly that way to go.

Bad Attitude and a Song

So, it's turned cold and snowy here in Minnesnowta, and while it's certainly not unexpected, I still don't like it. Never have. Never will. Period. I've had a craptastic attitude about it thus far and basically feel trapped with no hope of release ... ever. Blue eyes was born and raised here and his personality is such that I probably can't even begin to fathom the depth of the roots he has planted in this arctic place. So, no. Moving somewhere warmer is probably not in the cards for us. Thanks for bringing it up and rubbing salt in the wound. 

The only things I can do until summer weather once again visits us for a very underwhelming two months is layer my clothing to the point of looking like the Michelin Man, drink copious amounts of hot tea, make our water bill skyrocket from all the steaming hot baths and camp out in front of my lightbox so I don't go bonkers from the lack of vitamin D. 

All I know is Pa and Ma Ingles must have been nuts. No one in their right mind ever goes "You know where we should move the family to? MN!!!!" To which an even more mentally challenged person replies "That's a great idea! Lets do that!" *sigh* 

Anyway, in an attempt to pull myself up by my bootstraps I decided to record a new song on my beloved Uke. And if any of you tell me "But think of how much time you'll have to play your instruments during the winter!" I will reach through your computer screen and El Cabong you with my tiny guitar. 

 Now, if you will excuse me, I have to waddle my way back to the kitchen for another cup of tea. 

Mother's Monody

Distractions pull at grey matter edges

Echoes of past and whispers of future

Words unfinished, unwritten, unspoken

Notes unheard, unplayed, unrelished

Unsung melodies drifting in time and space of could and would

So many weights to be carried, balanced

Broad shoulders make lighter load

but strength wanes quivering with no respite

Crown jewels are races reward

but glittering things shine dimly to the weary

Stephanie Neher

A Voice Mail Poem

My Dad brought it to my attention yesterday that it had been quite a long time since I had written anything on here. January 5th to be exact.

Yep, it's been that crazy busy, apparently. :-)

Matt and I got our first smart phones this week and we're quickly trying to catch up with the rest of society on how to use them. The first call I received on my new phone scared me to death as I'm not familiar with the ringtone yet and then I couldn't figure out how to answer it. Apparently I was tapping when I was supposed to be swiping. lol

I needed to record a new message for my new voice mail and of course a regular ol' standard "leave a message at the beep" just wouldn't do it for me. SO, I wrote a poem and after recording it on my toy, I mean phone, I thought it'd be fun to share it here. :-)

Busy

A voice mail poem by Stephanie Neher

Cooking, cleaning, laundry too,

always lots of things to do.

Teaching, driving, dancing, playing,

reading, writing, bills need paying.

I'm exhausted! How bout' you?

I'll call you when my nap is through.

Resolution Haters

I am a resoluter (Isn't that a cool word? I think it would mean "one in the act of making a resolution" or something like that), and I have a difficult time keeping my eyes from rolling back in my head when I hear someone say something along the lines of, "I don't believe in making new years resolutions!" Maybe my own insecure voices are breaking through, but I can't help but hear other things between those words that sound derogatory and snobbish, contemptibly being fired at all the "other" people. If you happen to be an anti-resoluter, I apologize for stomping all over your toes just now and I love you despite your resolution......less.....ness lol. But let me ask you this, aren't you making a resolution every time you deiced to brush your teeth, and then much to the delight of your dental hygienist, follow through? How bout when you flush your.....business, before you leave the john? Ever wanted to make something specific for supper and then feasted on that very thing later that evening? How bout planning a road trip, or a play date or a wedding? All of those things require us to make a resolution, a decision on a desired outcome, and then take action accordingly ensuring it's successful completion. Yes? So you DO make resolutions! You're just averse to the new years variety.

Why is that I wonder? What is it about a new year starting that gets everyone all bat guano crazy about the whole thing? Is it the weight of social expectations? Is it the life-overhauling, often totally unrealistic, magnitude of ones made this time of year? Is it the reminder of past failed attempts and fear of further defeat? Maybe it's a little of all those things, but no matter what your stand on this global craze of fresh start possibility you ARE a resoluter because at it's rawest form a resolution is nothing but a decision with the elbow grease of follow through generously applied to it. Like just now, you probably resolved to either finish reading this blog post or not.

Oh good, you're still here! I'm so glad, because I really wanted to share the things I resolve, decide, aim, intend, purpose, have the courage, moxie, guts, or any other word you might prefer over another, to do in 2014. If I achieve them...GREAT! If not, that's OK as well. All of us could probably use nothing more than a great big heaping helping of grace when we fall short of our perfectly impossible ideals. 

Nothing ventured, nothing gained. 

If you aim at nothing you'll hit it every time. 

A goal without a plan is just a wish. 

Ok, I'll stop with the cheesy motivational poster quotes now. You get my point.

As I was thinking about what I might like to resolve for this year the usual suspects came up, food and fitness being the top two. I thought "I could probably stand to be stronger, more muscular, eat more organically, or locally, or meatless-ly." But to be completely honest I'm very happy where I'm at right now. I already eat very low carb and zero processed sugar, there's not a whole lot of improving I could do on that area. I work out anywhere from 3-6 times a week depending on the season, and I like my body. I'm pleased with how look and feel in my clothes, as well as out of them. I've already worked really hard to get where I'm at right now and I see no sense in pushing myself that much more when I don't need or want to. So, I began to look at other areas of my life that I WOULD like to improve, and here's what I settled upon, or did they settle on me? At any rate they felt appropriate, fitting, and not unattainable. These would be in no particular order of importance.

1. I enjoy running and would like to have it in my life much more consistently than it was in 2013. So, I will run once a week, on Wed to be precise. I have a treadmill so there really is no good reason for it not to happen.

2. Get back into the habit of a 1 minute plank every day.

3. Complete the Warrior Dash,which I'm already registered for, this summer without dying.

4. If I get to this one it means #3 didn't leave my children motherless, and I can now consider attempting to survive the Hammer Race.

3. Make my devotional time a priority again. This one probably doesn't need any explanation.

4. Schedule time on my calendar to work on my writing projects once a week.

5. Attend a local writing group.

6. Schedule a regular monthly deposit into Matt's retirement account.

7. Put any extra money into our emergency fund. Baby steps, right FPUers?.

8. Get our will taken care of.

9. Based off this article, express myself truthfully even when I'm afraid to do so.

10. Practice the piano and ukulele every day.

Hi! My name is Stephanie, and I'm a resolution maker. 

And you know what? I think it could be a really great year.