The Great Balancing Act

Balance

equity, harmony, tension, equivalence, evenness, parity, proportion, stasis, symmetry

Has a more serene word ever been conceived in the cosmos than balance? From my daily grind laden consciousness, the answer is no. Even the sound of the word causes smooth muscle type, "deep breath" reactions in my physiology.

It is a slippery fish however, simple in theory yet tricky in execution. Simple as saying yes to the things that mean the most to you and no to everything that doesn't. Tricky as saying no to things you want in much the same equivalence as everything else your schedule and sanity doesn't have room for.

I have never been the most agile at walking that tight rope. My party-looking-for-a-place-to-happen nature tends to experience letting go as intense feelings of exclusion from unknown adventure, and sanguines LOVE a good adventure. Unless of course I really don't want to say yes in the first place, but feel I should because of an obligation to all creatures great and small, stemming from my protestant upbringing, resulting in nothing but copious amounts of guilt and 2nd guessing my decision to let go and say no. Such a happy little coin isn't it? Heads it's exclusion, tails it's feeling like one.

Enter conundrum. For the past year and a half I had been building my cupcake business with the intent of being a serious contender in the Rochester and surrounding areas within 3-5 years. Then my plans took a turn down the road less traveled when we decided that homeschooling would be the best option for our family right now. "Rock, Hard Place. Hard Place, Rock. Don't mind me as I stand firmly plastered between you." There was just no way I could run a business and educate my children at the same time. I needed to let go of one to say yes to the other. It SUCKED and felt like my chest was being ripped in two. Yes, I wanted a successful career I had built from the sweat of my oven mitts. Yes, I wanted to give my children the most personality tailored education I could, but I knew in my heart of hearts that these two dreams could not be brought to life simultaneously without sending me into the abyss of nervous breakdown. A journey I was not willing to take.

So, I began to let go. The cupcake business was intended as something for me to do while the kids were in school, and that was no longer a valid need. Letting go. What would I do with my recipes I'd worked so hard on? Perhaps I could do a cookbook someday. Letting go. Regretfully declining a regular baking gig because I don't have the energy or drive after housewife-ing and homeschooling to do much of anything but recoup and recharge for the next day. Letting go. I would still fill orders if they came in but would no longer be actively seeking to fill empty cake boxes. Letting go. Perhaps I could reopen my sweet dream as an empty nest pursuit, or maybe not. Letting go.

I don't think letting go is or ever will be easy for me. Whether I want to say yes, or really want to say no, I'm faced with an uncomfortable choice. But with each finger I reluctantly removed from my sugary strategy I felt an exponential lightening of gravity's force on my soul. Things felt more balanced. Things felt right again, comfortable and just right for me, like my favorite little black skirt or perfectly worn in hoodie with the ultra soft fleece inside. There will always be a give and take struggle to keep things in balance and even though my particular circus act is not in the center ring of the big top where all the top dogs perform, I no longer fear plummeting into the depths resulting from saying yes to the one final straw that ended it all.

Balance is a beautiful feeling.