Goobye Neher Confection

Letting go is really hard, especially when it makes you feel like a fool and a failure. 

Letting go is hard even though your heart of hearts knows it's right. 

Letting go is hard because you can get comfortable with one unknown and be scared of the unknown that's now ahead of you.

Letting go is hard because it can feel strangely sorrowful and relieving at the same time.

I knew this day was coming when we made the choice back in may to homeschool. I knew it was coming but that doesn't make it any easier. You know how when someone is going to jump out from behind something to scare you, and you know they're there, and it still scares the crap out of you anyway. BOO! Yeah, kinda like that.

The final decision was kind of made for me, by the big B word...our budget.

Matt recently started taking the bus to and from work so that we could take the money saved on gas and put it towards our nest egg that has been sorely neglected up to this point in our lives. So, I sat down last night to update out budget accordingly and figure out how much we would need to schedule for automatic withdraw (because the less to remember the better). Come to find out Matt's take home has been reduced due to insurance hikes and our surplus of almost $200 is now actually only $15 and change. OUCH! Now let me just say that I'm dearly grateful we still find ourselves in the black but that buck five ain't going to help us furnish our golden years. So we either bring in more money or scale back...again. Within the past year we've realized the immense value of our time against a dollar and have no desire to trade the former for the latter any more than we have to. So, it was back to the chopping block for the budget and the only thing left that could be trimmed was the monthly fees of maintaining my licensing and website. Matt very loving looked at me and gently said, "I guess you'll just have to decide if it's worth it." And even before the last word left his kissable lips I already knew the answer was a resounding no. The fees to keep Neher Confection "open" when I'm not even pursuing it, now or in the foreseeable future, it is NOT worth the money we'll need to live on in our old age.

So, this evening I began the process of canceling accounts, closing pages and terminating websites. I'm sad. My heart hurts. I'm embarrassed. I've cried a little bit, and I can't seem to stop sighing. Nothing on pandora seems to fit my mood, and I ate a bowl of maple sugar frosted shredded wheat to console myself.

People have said "It's ok. You'll pick it back up later." but I don't know that I will. I've learned some things about myself. I'm an idea generator, not a great implementer. I do good in short bursts, not long hauls. I love the creative process and I hate the tedium of production. I work well on my own and I don't like being in charge of other people.

So the plan is - there is no plan. I'm going to move all my stuff out of the cafe and put it in my basement where it's out of the way and I don't have to think about it for a while. I've toyed with the idea of doing a cupcake cookbook, but that's neither here nor there right now.

I follow a Christian entrepreneur named Sandi Krakowski on Facebook and she said something in a post one day that really struck a chord with me. It was something along the lines of

Improve what you already have, get better at doing the things you do best, take what works to a deeper level, go deep, not wide.

Deeper not wider. Deeper into my kids and my husband. Deeper into creating a home space we adore and works as hard as it can for the way we function in it. Deeper into the things that enrich my life the absolute most and make me a better person: music, reading, writing, friends, family and my pets (not necessarily in that order).

Go deep, not wide.

So while this is goodbye and thank you from Neher Confection it is most certainly not goodbye from me. I've got a whole lot of depth to explore and there's no telling what I might turn up along the way.